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Jul. 28th, 2009

It's Never Enough


P
recaution. Pain. Protection. Pride. Perfection. Parents.

I'm really starting to hate the letter 'P' with a lot of... passion. A bit melodramatic but I think I'm just tired these days. Looking back now, I wonder when was the last time I really smiled and laugh wholeheartedly without fooling myself and everyone around me. They say that sufferings make you stronger but I feel weaker as time quickly passes by me. Then again, happiness isn't as easy to find for us to keep. I find tears and silence more comforting than dependence and words lately. I'm slowly changing, but I'm not sure if it's a good or a bad thing. There's only so much responsibilities that I can take and I think I've reached the limit. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough... All I know is that no matter what I do or say, it's just not enough. It's depressing and pathetic but...

Honestly, I don't care anymore.

Jun. 21st, 2009

Untitled -Love-

Happy Father's Day =)

Aside from work, I haven't planned anything for my dad yet but hopefully I'll think of something by the end of the night. For a long time, I used to believe that there's only two men you should really love in your life and that's your father and your brother. That's just my opinion anyways but a very strong one. Aside from my dad who I look up to as a hero and role model, I love my brother who's like a close best friend just as much. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be the daughter or sister I am today. Not that I am any good at it but I think it's safe to say that it's a big step. They keep me sane from my mom and sisters anyways xD

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I hate guys or anything but I haven't love any of them either. Sure they can be a jerk, idiot, and arrogant at times but there are also those who are kind, sweet, and the ideal guy you've always wanted.

Yeah, like in mangas or tv shows maybe = =

It's sad to say but there's not a single guy who I find myself interested in. I don't believe in love or arranged marriage so I certainly don't believe these guys exist in real life. I admit that I got myself involve with a couple of relationships back in middle school and high school but those days are over after I became a college student. I start not to care and stopped looking for Mr. Right to come to me. Instead, I push them aside and move on with my life. If they want to be more than friends, I really can't do anything about it. I used to feel bad and ponder how I should approach them without hurting their feelings, leading them on but now I don't hesitate as much and come straight out about how I feel.

After watching my families and friends in and out of relationships, I have become annoyed and bitter about the reasons for their problems. It's always the same thing over and over again. I really don't have time for all that drama let alone a boyfriend. I feel that it stands in the way of what I am trying to achieve in life and that's trying to support myself on my own two feet without depending on others so much. They say that you meet the guy of your dreams when you start college but I say otherwise. I'm in my third year and of all the guys I've met so far, I don't see it happening so... nope.

There will always be pain and sadness in a relationship but that's what makes two people bond. It hurts like hell but I am not afraid to face it so that's not the reason for the way I feel right now. It is because recently I've see too many tears, struggles, and heartbreak from my dear close friends that's keeping me from recklessly throwing myself in a relationship that I know that won't last. I feel more helpless and heartbroken watching them suffer on their own because they lost a big part of something in their life. I'd rather cherish and protect the people I love right now as much as I can than look for a relationship that can possibly make me happy. I feel that when I am single, I spend more times with my love ones and have no trouble being there for them when they need me. It's funny how dramas always starts when summer vacation begins.

I guess you can say my post was inspired by this movie:

"are you the exception...
...or are you the rule?"
 
He's Just Not That Into You. A total chick flick and most of the things in the film aren't even true but it inspired me in strange ways. Despite it's unrealistic storyline, it was enjoyable with interesting fun-loving characters that people can relate with. Somehow it made me think and reflect about relationships in the past and in the present. More about that next time.

Jun. 11th, 2009

Broken With No Boundaries

And people wonder why I keep my distance from others.

As much as I hate it like it's my mortal enemy, I let this negative personality build up slowly inside me. There's always a root to every problem and mine's started back in middle school when I first experienced love, pain, trust, and betrayal. After all, it was the first time I liked a boy, fought with my parents, faced an enemy, and lost a best friend.

Despite the past, I still don't know who to believe or depend on in my life anymore. It doesn't matter if it's big or small, on purpose or unintentionally... someone around me will always take advantage and do something to betray my trust... even the people who I thought I love and that is when the whole world comes crashing down on me because my world - is absolutely nothing without them.

Tell me, am I that stupid and oblivious to you?
Am I not as strong or just completely vulnerable?
Am I really weak that you don't believe a word I say?
Am I so helpless that you don't need me as much as I want you to?
Am I even worth enough to be someone important in your life?


Time and time again, over and over again I ask myself these questions to those I love. If not more but the message never gets through because I'm a coward, too afraid to open up and express how I really feel in words. Feelings are always shown but can never be read unless it's written in front of their faces. That's why I shut myself down and try to listen. Maybe I'm just missing something in my life that I haven't experience or not aware of yet.

Then again, that's life.

Yeah there are times where my smile fades, my tears fall, and my heart hurts... but now I somehow manage to accept the reality that I live in and the things I face everyday. It's scary but I'm slowly becoming... emotionless. I find it reassuring yet scary at the same time. It's not that I like it, I only come to realize that when it comes to the bottom of it all - you can't depend on anyone but yourself to pick up where you fell and move forward. Problem is that even though the road is endlessly long, I can't go far even if I wanted to. I'm tied down quite tightly. I wish I could be free from all my doubts and fear so I can strive for what I really want in my heart without any boundaries. Honestly, I don't know how much longer I can hold on before I break and give in.

Jun. 4th, 2009

Supernatural


So I found this really good series called Supernatural and have been watching it since summer started. After laughter, tears, and being scared to death, I finally finished Season 2 and continuing on to Season 3 =)

The title says it all.

It's basically about two close brothers who are both demon hunters but with complete different personalities. Despite one of them being a humorous whimsical player (Dean) and the other one being a kindhearted college dropout (Sam), they throw their lives away to save others by destroying everything and anything that's out of the ordinary.

At first I was a little unsure about the series because once I start watching something, I need to REALLY like it and have the tendency to watch it from beginning to end without missing a single episode. Even though I enjoy to watch romady drama, another part of me have a strong liking for fantasy and action. For that reason, I like this series a lot because it has a mixture of everything.

Words can't describe how much I love this show. Aside from Prison Break, this is probably my second series this summer. Hopefully I'll finish and start another series. Maybe throw in some Asian dramas that I still need to finish from last summer xD

P.S. Aside from Twilight's Edward and Jacob, Jensen Ackles is my type of guy <3
   

Jun. 1st, 2009

New Moon TRAILER

::squeals like a fangirl::

I know, I know. It's only a trailer but remembering these scenes in the book is making me excited. If I have time, I would seriously go back and re-read all four books again xD While watching the New Moon trailer, I realized that Edward left Bella in the novel and may not have a lot of screen time =( Then again, there's Jacob whom I still have to see in action due to his small role in the Twilight movie. Speaking of which, Twilight won Five MTV Awards =D

Don't know why I'm in such a good mood right now. I guess it's also because I only have to work two times this week. Twelve hours isn't so bad. I think the manager gave me less hours this week because there's another new trainee. With the store's new openings and closings time, I just hope I don't get confused when I return >< Mind as well enjoy my day off while I'm at it <3


May. 29th, 2009

Got Money?

Sadly no T-T

I feel like ever since summer vacation started, all I've been talking about is work. Clearly my first week as the "new trainee" has been hell-ish despite the fact that I still haven't got my first paycheck. One of my managers isn't making my life any easier with him being hardcore mean and his constant sarcasms doesn't do any justice either. Aside from a few rude customers, he's the only reason why I hate going to work = = I just hope he never finds this blog otherwise I'll have to say goodbye to my job xD On the lighter note, I went shopping with BFF today~ Brought a couple of new clothes but I'm still not satisfied. Although I love going to the mall, using money is no fun at all. Thanks Amina, I'm broke again T-T I'm going to have to do a lot of restraining from buying things this summer... After all, the only reason why I'm working at this job is for the money. Now that I think about it, I only got two more days before I return to the depth of hell...

::cries a river::

Anyways, am I the only one who thinks that time is passing by very quickly these days? Looking back now, I feel old. I don't know what made me think this way but I wish I went back in the past to redo and undo all the things that had happened in my life. Just sitting here and reminiscing everything got me thinking all over again about me as a person and who I am today. I feel like I've learned so much yet nothing at all. It's like I was in a trace or in a coma for a couple of years... something strange like that. God forbid if that ever happens but I need to wake up to reality and face my problems in front of me now.

It's a complicated thing =/

In all this, people play an important role in my life. I've gained and lost many friends along the way. Despite the dramas here and there, friendship is one valuable thing that is just priceless. More about that later on. My mind is now muddled and I have no idea what my point was anymore =x

May. 24th, 2009

Work Work Work!

Uwah x______________x

Ever rushed somewhere only to find that you're not late but early instead? Yeah, that's what happened to me on my way to work today... When I came back for opening, I think I overworked myself a little because I was feeling dizzy and tired. The humid room and the broken AC didn't help either >< Lucky for me, my manager was nice enough to buy food for me and my co-worker =) Hopefully my headache will go away by tomorrow since it will be my first time working for seven hours O_O I'm not looking forward to it but sometimes we have to do things we don't want to. We all have bad experiences but there's also people who makes those awful days go away. Like when I was working today, a couple of my friends whom I haven't seen since high school, dropped by to see me. Although it was a short unexpected visit, it meant a lot. Thanks you guys. Let's hang out over the summer <333

May. 20th, 2009

The Real World

So I actually manage to get a job. Problem? My first day of work was a disaster. The thing that sucks about being a trainee is that they do all the dirty jobs like washing the dishes or sweeping the floor first before they can get a position that includes taking holidays off or getting a raise. I know that's life but it's so unfair... we only got one life to live and somehow time pass by us because stupid small things get in the way of our goals. The real world is seriously an ugly place. What's sad is that I'm complaining and I only just started - - I guess I need to get that out of my system before working again tomorrow.  There's still a lot that I have to learn and I'm not just talking about school and work, but everything in general. I just got to stay strong and take this one step at a time. Hopefully it'll pay off in the end.

May. 18th, 2009

Goodbye Spring, Hello Summer

FINALLY! SCHOOL IS OVER =D =D =D

Thank God for that! I only regret I stayed up all night studying for two exams. I didn't even get any sleep. The most I probably got was fifteen minute O_O Note to self... never take two history classes in one semester. Memorizing over 100 dates really killed my brain cells. I feel the whole world being lifted off of me. Just have to turn in my portfolio tomorrow and I'm done! For school anyways. As for the summer, I'm not sure but I think I found a job that my friend helped me out with. It's either that or I have to find another job soon.

Ugh, need sleep...

May. 13th, 2009

Be With You MV

BY AKON AND WILBER PAN 

Just taking a short break from studying ^^ So while I was listening to Akon, who happens to be one of my favorite hip hop/r&b singer, I came across a remake of his Be With You song by an Asian celebrity name Wilber Pan (aka Pan Wei Bo). The song is pure love and quite refreshing. It's such a sweet song and from the MV, we can tell what the story line is about. Aside from Wang Lee Hom and Jay Chou, Wilber is also talented and happens to be one of my favorite Taiwanese singers.

Yes, I admit. Even though I'm Chinese-American, I listen to asian music as much as I listen to American music. Not only do I listen to Chinese songs but Japanese and Korean songs as well. After all, music and emotions are spoken in more than one language =) Anyways, here's the music video. Now I have something to listen to while I continue to cram.
 

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